Mother’s Day, Ashley Madison, Dirty Words & Ellie Goulding

While attempting to update my profile on Ashley Madison, I kept getting an error message telling me I can’t use the word “culo.” I spent 10 minutes trying to figure out what the hell the site was talking about and eventually figured out that within the word “ridiculous” is the word “culo.” So I can’t use the word “culo” or “ridiculous.” I can see A FUCKING MILLION HIDEOUS COCKS IN BATHROOM MIRRORS BUT I CAN’T USE THE WORD RIDICULOUS! It is ricockulous! Seriously.

I’ve been told I couldn’t use the word “cock,” either. Yup. You can post photos of them but heaven forbid you should, you know, TYPE the fucking word. I substituted “c*ck” but there’s nothing I can do to un-see those penises. Ashley Madison needs a photo editor.

Saturday Night Live was pretty hilarious tonight. That birthing video. Hah! But this Ellie Goulding? What the hell? With all the talent on, well, America’s Got Talent, American Idol and The Voice, how the hell did this limp little blonde get a record deal? She sucks. Her cover of  “Your Song” was painful. She’s trying to sound like Bjørk and doing a lousy job of it. Ah, what do I know?

My mom is 3,000 miles away. She’s going to dinner with my sister and friends of hers (of my sister’s, not my mom’s) in the Mission. I’ll be spending my Mother’s Day in the Hamptons, celebrating a friend’s birthday (mine, not my sister’s). The birthday girl is sober but I plan on drinking. At least my ex-husband won’t be there. What? You already knew I was a cunt!

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