Idiots, Updated

Greetings, dear readers! Yesterday was an amazing day, a day of cognitive dissonance. I don’t have time to write about it today but stay tuned. In the interim, I’ll fill you in on the latest online hilarity.

The first exchange is an update from one of the idiots I was “schooling” in my previous post:

Why don’t you let me see your pictures so I know what I’m missing? [This is paraphrased, since Ashley Madison deletes your messages beyond the last 10. Argh!]

I don’t have secret photos. I have photos online. [Again, paraphrased.]

Just one though.

Actually, there are five. Click on the arrows.

 Great shall do.

Extremely curious about you and would love to learn more about you and what you are looking for. Your profile says a lot but I suspect there is a lot more. How do I find you?

Still wondering, but will be patient.

You seem so very nice and I appreciate your openenss. Where oh where do you live? [This one almost made me do a spit-take. I seem very nice? I wonder what the hell his now-deceased “lover” was like! She must’ve been Cruella deVille! That email I sent him was so far from nice I’ve characterized it as the most brutal communiqué I’ve ever written!]

We thought you’d like to know that “david9105” has added you to the ‘Favorites’ section of his Profile. [Really? I’m one of his favorites? Really. Wow.]


Okay, so now what do I do? I’ve already written to him to disabuse him of any notion of ever meeting me? How much more brutal can I be?

And this exchange is between myself and “Alex,” a single guy in New Jersey. I believe the photo accompanying his profile is a shot of him golfing. That, in itself, should have served as a warning. His emails were very curt and felt, on my end, a bit bossy. I did my best to reply politely until the very end. The first email volley between the two of us was deleted by my friends at Ashley Madison. I believe his consisted of something along these lines: “hello, love your pix” or “hi wanna chat” – without caps or punctuation. And I’m sure my response was “Thank you!”) The conversation continued thusly:

We thought you’d like to know that “A1177” has added you to the ‘Favorites’ section of his Profile.

Hi Abby I emailed u wondering if u got it my e is Alex

I did, indeed, and responded!

We thought you’d like to know that “A1177” has added you to the ‘Favorites’ section of his Profile. [I didn’t realize I could be “favorited” more than once! This guy can’t keep his finger off the “favorite” button!]

hey there whats up

Why would you waste credits by asking “What’s up?” Do you have anything to say that might inspire me to respond to you? Yes, I’ve responded. At this point it’s almost anthropological.

u look perfect 

lets cut the bull 555 555-1234 im Alex 

Hello Abby
sorry I got off on the wrong foot with u  so 2 speak  last night   but I did begin by saying that I thought u looked perfect   

Hi Alex!
And thank you for thinking I look perfect. I can assure you I’m not! As you’ve already seen, I have a tough time keeping my mouth shut!
Perhaps you’re typing on a gizmo? That always makes me more brief. Either way, I’m happy to try the other foot!

I’ll  b in the city 2morrow 4          the auto show    would u like 2 have lunch

I have lunch plans…and after work plans. Will you be spending the night? (Can’t recall where you live…)
Could do lunch on Thursday!

Iif u wanna do lunch 2morrow   call 555 555 1234   best I got 2 offer

I’m sorry, I said I had plans.

If you’ll still be around at 7 I could meet you for drinks…or dinner. Best I have to offer.

I think its time we chat   555 555 1234   don’t b scared im cool

will u call already

If you haven’t already noticed, I do not respond well to orders.
Move along.
There’s nothing to see here.

Last chance

Hahahahahah fuck off.


I must admit, I am really enjoying this newfound ability to just blow guys off. “Alex” is single, so don’t think — again — that my blow off-ability is reserved just for the attached. Perhaps it’s the sheer numbers of potential suitors that is allowing me to feel the need to be nice to everyone. Or maybe I’m finally capable of responding to rudeness with more rudeness. I’m not sure it’s a good thing, in the end, but it sure feels exhilarating!


And further proof that men will keep butting their heads against that brick wall, two separate emails post the “fuck off”:

U should.nt talk like that

Hey abby

You have proven yourself to be rude and bossy.
As I said, move along, nothing to see here.


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