Cheating Penises

Ashley Madison is providing me with non-stop high hilarity! If it isn’t some shlub in suburbia trying to convince me that he can really show me a good time, it’s yet another unhappily married 20-something charming me with the tired line “age is just a number.” Far-flung frustrated husbands who are planning a trip to New York City “in the future” attempt to book my oh-so-in-demand time months in advance. Illiterate military men and mono-syllabic muscle heads actually believe we have something in common. Guys with screen names like “slowhand,” “loveto69” and “meontop” let me know that “I have an admirer” in between winks and hearts and virtual emerald necklaces. It’s more amusing than a sitcom!

But probably the best thing about the site is its never-ending parade of penises! They don’t just pop up, unexpected or unannounced. Oh no! You’ve gotta work for them! Most men on AM don’t even post their pathetic, pixelated likenesses. You’ve got to be given cyber-key access to their private albums. Some guys are so shy that clicking on their key brings up…yes, pathetic pixelated shots, usually taken from 50 paces, rendering them…unrecognizable. Guess that’s for the best if their wives suspect they’re trolling the internet for “discreet affairs!”

The bolder guys show you their faces right up front. Their keys might lead you to the dreaded “check out my ripped abs” self portraits. (Or their not-so-ripped abs! Hah!) But the really “ballsy” dudes have additional “rated” photos that require an extra click beyond their secret key. Guess what’s usually in there? That’s right! Hard cock!

Now you, my dear readers, know that I am far from being a prude! You also know that I personally prefer a little mystery. What the hell are these guys thinking? Do they believe that one glimpse of their magical love wands will so enchant me that I won’t be able to resist a rendezvous with them at the first possible moment? That I’ll be on my knees, salivating at the idea of unzipping their flies, mere seconds after we’ve met?

As one might expect, there aren’t too many embarrassing members on display. If you’re less-than-well-endowed, you probably aren’t eager to advertise the fact. (Unless you’re like my new friend Little Dick!) So yes, all these online erections are certainly impressive. And perhaps there are, indeed, women out there who only want to see what might be the eventual “goods.” Though I would also assume that along with their enthusiasm for these guys’ goods, they’re equally eager to get into their wallets. I’ve already heard tales of women who make no “bones” about their desire to be someone’s sugar baby, expressing interest in the regular ol’ quid pro quo arrangement of “You take care of me and I’ll take care of you!” Yeah, you and your GIANT COCK! Hahahahahah!

To prove my point, right in the middle of my writing this post, I checked my inbox and a somewhat homely gentleman whose advances I had gently turned down made his last “stab” with: “You need to be inspired? hmmm…I have a webcam…I think I can inspire you…I look MUCH better than pics…and I have certain qualities I’m confident you wouldn’t dislike too often…
so..you just never know…”

My response? “If you’re saying you have a huge cock, I’m currently blogging about how pathetic that is. It means nothing.
Seriously. Get a grip.
I am inspired by a lot of things. A hard-on isn’t one of them.”

The sad thing about all this is that I bet if these idiots emailed their wives pictures of their hard cocks, of them fervently masturbating in front of the bathroom mirror, it might actually spice up their supposedly dull married sex lives. But what the hell do I know?

I’ll leave you with this brief, blurry, almost flip-book like series of action shots that one gentlemen was thoughtful enough to share with me. Enjoy!


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3 responses to “Cheating Penises

  1. WHAT IS UP with dudes sending ladies photos of their penises? I have never understood it yet there it is: digital dicks in the email, on the dating sites, in drunken text messages. It’s a real Thing that guys do, and it really does NOT have the effect they think it does.

    Great blog Abby!

  2. do we really have to wonder WHY men do this . . .it’s a given. I hate to sound so pessimistic, and I KNOW NOT ALL men are the same (blahblahblah) but it’s called ego. Mix that with a bit of internet and a lot of unhappiness or unfulfilled life . . .and you got penises all over the net . . .
    Except yes, it usually has the complete opposite effect that a naked woman would if posted up on her profile . . .so yeah, what else is new??? LOL!

  3. Pingback: Another Asshole: Updated | Welcome to My Words!

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