In Defense of One-Ply Toilet Paper

All my life I’ve been trained to favor the finer things: a brick of cheddar over those single-serve slices of American, Budweiser over generic beer, discount designer over department store brands, iceberg lettuce over…oh wait, that’s actually the bottom of the lettuce barrel, I suppose. Well, you get the idea.

So it comes as a shock that I have somehow recently cultivated a preference for one-ply toilet paper. Yes, after years of wiping my ass with the cushiony softness of two-ply, I’ve become a convert. This revelation was a result of having house guests who supplied the one-ply, subjecting my heretofore pampered derriere to discount tissue!

Obviously if one were to count the amount of little paper squares, a roll of one-ply will come out on top. But even if you wad up a whole handful, which might feel wasteful, you may be amazed by the superior outcome. Toilet tissue advertising mostly dances around the issue, though recently Quilted Northern has faced it head-on. Er, hands on? Do we really need someone to point out that the purpose of toilet paper — and the one thing we should require of it — is to keep our hands clean? Like, duh! But over the years, as the size of two-ply rolls has been shrinking, I’ve found that, alas, my high-priced paper wasn’t sufficiently accomplishing that very crucial job! So, faced with the cheap stuff right in my own bathroom, I wadded up in anticipation of wetness and was actually impressed! Even without using what felt like half the roll, the paper proved itself superior to my more-expensive brand.

The other surprise was that the lower-priced one-ply roll actually lasted longer. I’m only now in need of purchasing another four-pack and it’s been almost a month! Three cheers for one-ply!

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