Daily Archives: January 22, 2011

WTF Cupid: Potential Sexist Stalker

So! I’ve been slooooowly learning that communicating with men online who haven’t posted a photo is an exercise in futility. Yet I often blindly stumble along. Recently I had an exchange with one man and after scheduling a meeting “just to be friends” or whatever, I politely backed out, thinking what was the point? I have plenty of friends and this guy didn’t seem to have much in common with me anyway. Even in an effort to “expand my horizons” and perhaps meet “the one” (in a long series of “the ones”), it would likely be a waste of time, both mine and his. Then, as I decided to write about this guy here, I did a quick little Gmail search for him and — CREEPY! — found an email exchange from the same address dating back to 2008. It appears we struck up an OkCupid conversation years ago and…it began — without his photo — and ended exactly the same way. Which leaves me wondering, why do these men bother? It feels somewhat like stalking to me…

(No subject)
Dec. 29, 2010 – 12:55am
happy to send photo once I get my computer and I photo back from apple in a few days…I’m a quiet artist looking for a woman who would eventually – like soon!- move into a house out of view of other houses- I love quiet getting away from distraction and noise and lack of privacy in ny – we’re very different, but I’m honest, not trolling to score sex which is what a high % of men do here and everywhere- it strikes me that you might be in a transitional phase and a more opposite kind of nature would lead you to what you deeply want, minus all the hooplah and people who aren’t there the next day.. I think it is difficult to have a zany life with another zany man, but anything is possible
45% Enemy 50% Friend 60% Match

Dec. 29, 2010 – 6:47pm
That’s a pretty interesting offer. I AM, indeed, in a transitional phase. I can’t say that I’m ready to move this minute…or even in the next few months. I can’t say WHAT I’m ready for, to be honest! But I would be open to meeting, just to see if we even get along! You’ve definitely piqued my interest!
Dec. 29, 2010 – 10:05pm
that’s sweet, an exclamation mark! so quintessentially female, like xoxoxo, only females do that
also honest (another uncommon female trait) :you don’t know what you want— ram dass said if yiou don’t know what to do, just stay in the “I don’t know” mode until you do know, don’t push it
anyway, I would give you my better email address but the apple store still has not returned my computer- so call me if you like at 212 555 1234 or – actually you could email more at XXXXXX@rcn.com
I heard in a documentary that basically the world came within 5 minutes of coming to an end, except maybe people in new zealand- some space probe of the U.S. exploring the northern lights looked like incoming missiles and boris yeltsin was advised to respond militarily- he had all of five minutes- he did not follow protocol and so the U.S. and Russia were saved, he just didn’t think it was real, the meaning of which is that we are living on a thread and need to live life now, like take nothing for granted, that’s my take
no question, I have an interesting mind, but all I want to do is live in a house out of view of other houses and write and paint and be with a kindly, spiritual woman- maybe have a large dog, all gemutlicht (do you know that word? means of hearth and home)- I’m very adept socially, but don’t have much of a desire to be with a lot of them a lot of the time, as shlomo once said the greatest tragedy of the human race is that it is human
I have no energy or interest socially, however it is true that that is thte only way to meet wonderful people, but if you had four or five such people let’s say 10 or 12, plus a partner, you would be overwhelmed…I could disappear with one person, be deeply in love with her and vice versa and never see much of anyone for weeks probably, that plus art and writing– and maybe the dog!

Our exchanges moved from OkCupid to regular email:

thanks…you are forthright and open, the best women are, the kind men like to stay with for life…women tend not to realize that all their minute  mood changes, unreliability and unpredictability and inexplicableness and frequent “disappearances”, then “reappearances” lose men, just as it begins to dawn on men that loutishness and swaggering and unbroken self involvement- and much worse- doesn’t gain them any love- men are far worse: millennia of violence and cruelty and killing: theirs is a stange legacy: the greatest achievements and contributions ever alongside all the extreme horror they’ve perpetrated
62% may be true: the problem is that people can’t be placed, instantly and in reality, like with a snap of the fingers, into a brand new physical circumstance: the zany party girl adjusts, strangely, to being in the kitchen and looking out past the flower box at trees, all her “friends” left behind or a man adjusts to an enlarged social life
anyway, I have yielded to my piscean nature and lead a more than precarious artist’s life. Monet said he was only good at painting and gardening, I would say something similar (not gardening for the second) it’s all I care to do anymore, it’s all I love to do: to think I was for 20 years or so a newspaper reporter, glamorized by the news and today- for well over 10 years, I have not had a working TV and if someone hands me a free paper in the street I take it out of kindness, then drop it in the trash unread. I really can’t stand the news, instead I do art most related to color field, early minimalism of fifties and early sixties. This chinese woman said she would connect my work with wealthy asian collector friends but as women are wont to do, kind of flaked out, it seems, hard to say
so it seems poignant, meeting, I’m lost in dreams of (after decades of growing up in and living in the city)… dreams of a secluded house and total quiet and non distraction and a loving partner- certainly removal from this 440 unit place I live in on the park, everything in tumult and noise, years long terrace and facade work, followed by more carpeting and probably elevator work with people buying and selling and real estate brokers in and out and contractors all over the place and sirens from ambulances day and even night, a gut renovation over my head, a man moving into the apt adjoining my bedroom (he’s very quiet, so far), the only good time really being the middle of the night …my prospects economically are, well…I’m sweet and handsome and tender and kindly  and faithful, but I’ve drifted into art and amd happier in fiction than engaging much with the human race… the “perfect” man but lost in dreamy, financially unproductive preoccupations

Hello David,
I appreciate all the little windows into your life and psyche. I will refrain from using any exclamation marks, as I don’t want to fit into anyone’s clichéd niche.
If you would like to get together, face to face, and see if we even get along, that would be swell. We only register a 62% match, which isn’t very high, comparatively speaking.
I will be back in the city late tonight. My schedule is pretty open.

how about tea/coffee/any warm soothing liquid next week?
somewhere near where you are so it’a easy for you
Hi David,
That sounds delightful! (Oops, another one of those damn exclamation points! OH NO! I CAN’T STOP!)
I live in the East Village. There are dozens of coffee shops, tea
shops and similarly cozy establishments. I recently discovered “Think”
on Lafayette between 12th and 13th near Union Square. It has a huge
selection of warm beverages and lots of room to hang out. Or we could
do more of a restaurant. Or somewhere more intimate… Any day besides
Wednesday would work for me!
also, only females sign xoxo
they have the right idea, hugs and kisses (actually it reads kisses and hugs), the world needs more of those, not yet more celebratory violence
tuesday would be good, or thursday, “Think” sounds OK- maybe quiet can be found there- the quieter the better, I remember once having a pizza with a friend on lafayette and the din was so bad we could not hear one another across a small table and my hearing is fine, though probably not after going there
the only  last minute cancellation would be related to return of my apple computer, which they will have had 11 days by then, on top of the 22 other days it’s been looked at
maybe I should have your number just in case
this is a serious situation and I have to act when the person I like whom I am dealing with says it’s ready, be there when he’s there
I lead a simple, non materialistic life, I write, I paint, I paint, I write, I make meals at home largely from whole foods which is less then one block away, I do exercises, pray three times a day, am in a state of deep focus- focus on the above and some beautiful maybe country home, being with an angel of a woman, warmly elegant and refined, who doesn’t continually yak,  and  spending endlesss time together loving each other
I am a typical aesthetic, sensual, spiritual piscean for whom beauty is a continual magnet, my home is reflective of this nature, cozy, charming, artistic, I like being in homes, mine or thers, though extremely adept and subtle socially avoid noise, crowds, if I have to be at an event I stay around the peripheries, where I can observe and learn and not be noticed, really see what is going on, it can be interesting
Actually, my ex-boyfriend signed all of his emails xoxo. When I made
friends with his ex-girlfriend (prior to me), she asked that I not
sign my emails with that…so I’ve stopped. Truly, one cannot
generalize about…most things.
There’s a lovely new-ish bar in my neighborhood also. It has a working fireplace and is usually quiet in the late afternoons/early evenings…if you’d prefer something truly cozy.
I have a feeling we will find each other…interesting but you do sound like you’re in a far different place/space than I am. While I am, indeed, yearning for a change of pace and, perhaps, lifestyle, I’m nowhere near the state of zen you profess to currently inhabit…
My number is 646-555-1234. Shall we shoot for Tuesday, unless your computer’s recovery interrupts?

he was unique, women use it all the time because women are constantly being “kissed” by everyone, including other women, on greeting, on saying goodbye- women are about salutory kisses and hugs
“profess” implies possession and self admiration, the way I described me is increasingly the only way I can deal with the world: by escaping  noise, crowds, sirens, subway screeches, by lighting candles and praying, by lying down and resting, refinding myself- it’s the only way I can get through a day- when I am in the apple store on b’way, where I’ve been so many times for the computer, I look at shlomo’s picture from my wallet to get myself through the experience of being there- there are all these nerdy, android like, nervous people in red shirts darting around and behind steve job’s glamor they are just another rule ridden, corporate iceberg- at least they have a store, gates and company distanced themselves completely from the human race, with call centers in india where people get paid farthings- as have many other companies, especially the broadband providers who screw people with ancient pop account technology and inflated costs versus france, japan and many other countries where costs are far less than here and technology far superior- why? because a federal agency and congressional “oversight” committe approved it- why? for some reason the word “payoff” seems to float into mind- corruption and lies- or to put it more positively, no truth
anyway, I think you are right about us, but you are obviously a truly fine person, I sense, generous and sweet in a world not exactly overridden by either- yes, smart, too, but that’s meaningless, smart people are a dime a dozen- kind is rare
so, friends, probably- will call re time-
I think I would be happier in a coffee type place than one for booze, honestly

Hello David,
I would like to politely cancel our plans to meet. It seems to me that it would be a waste of our time(s). While I can appreciate the concept of having people around me who I have absolutely nothing in common with, I would rather stay at home in my pajamas. I just don’t have the energy anymore to “collect” more new “friends.”
I hope you understand.
totally understand
I do think Abe Wilson’s (may dad’s attorney , long ago) point was correct: have different kinds of people in one’s life.
the tendency is to have people from the same profession
Well, given that I don’t have a profession, I don’t have friends in only one profession. I have friends in just about every imaginable walk of life: rich to poor, artists to bankers, ad execs and moms, religious people to agnostics and athiests, teenagers to 80-year-olds. I’m pretty lucky!
that cute exclamation mark again……! 

female emotion bursting forth

That was the last straw. The fact that he mentioned my use of exclamation points AGAIN, in that sexist context, was more than I could stomach. Then, searching through my Gmails to write about this, I discovered a few back-and-forths fromMay, 2008:

To plunge…
…or not to plunge.
Thank you for all the compliments. I like to think I write the way I talk…My friends all think I should be writing my memoirs. Maybe someday. Too busy living the now to write about the past…yet.
Well, zap me a photo and we’ll see, eh? I’m off to Austin (did I already tell you that?) on Wednesday but will be back a week later, celebrating my birthday at Continental (on the 28th) if you’d like to drop by!

(no subject)
Welcome home!
and happy birthday…

Thank you!
you’re welcome
I’m sure lots of love was imparted to you at your birthday bash
you have this lovable down to earthness
Does anyone else find this odd? I obviously forgot about our previous exchange, probably MOSTLY due to the fact that I never saw the guy’s face, so there wasn’t anything concrete to remember! Surely he must have recalled emailing me before? Or did my face blend in with the hundreds of other women he’s been emailing anonymously over the past three years? Either way, UGH! I sent him this email this morning. We’ll see what he says…
Okay, this is CREEPING ME OUT!
You obviously know me. And have known me for YEARS. WTF, dude?
I unearthed this email from you from way back in 2008. Creepy…
Who are you?