Another Asshole: Updated

As I was bloggedy-blogging away about dick pix on Ashley Madison, right in the middle of my writing I checked my inbox and a somewhat homely gentleman whose advances I had gently turned down was making his last “stab” at wooing me. Here’s how our conversation went:

Him:
“Call me.”

Me:
“Umm, as charming and convincing as that come-on is, I have to ask for a bit more. Like maybe your name. And your phone number. And maybe why I should call you.”

Him:
“Sorry LOL You can email me at XXXX or call me at XXX-XXX-XXXX. My name is XXX. I think we’d have fun.”

Me:
Could you perhaps email me a photo, so I know who I’m communicating with?”

Him:
“There are pix of me on there.”

Me (after looking at his photos):
“Um, okay, thank you…but I don’t feel suitably inspired. Best of luck to you!”

Him:
“You need to be inspired? hmmm…I have a webcam…I think I can inspire you…I look MUCH better than pics…and I have certain qualities I’m confident you wouldn’t dislike too often…so..you just never know…”

Me:
“If you’re saying you have a huge cock, I’m currently blogging about how pathetic that is. It means nothing.
Seriously. Get a grip.
I am inspired by a lot of things. A hard-on isn’t one of them.”

Him:
“Sometimes the Italian language is inspiring. Get your mind out of the gutter. LOL”

When I didn’t respond immediately, he volleyed back with:
“You’re 51? I’m not inspired…forget it….LOLOL Yup…too old….(doesn’t it feel so nice when someone judges you based on one factor?)….very nice….luv it”

And my retort:
“Hahahahah! You are HILARIOUS! Didn’t you see how old I was before you emailed me? Or do you just email everyone and hope for the best?
Loser.”

Unfortunately I can’t figure out how to block people on the damn site. Bah! I was sure he’d been sufficiently blown off, but NOOOOO! He couldn’t keep quiet. He had to add this gem:

“No sense of humor? I was teasing…see…true colors come out… I could have said OLD, fat and ugly but I didn’t…lol
Too bad you take yourself SO seriously….
LOSER”

Let’s see if he feels compelled to keep contacting me…

Cheating Penises

Ashley Madison is providing me with non-stop high hilarity! If it isn’t some shlub in suburbia trying to convince me that he can really show me a good time, it’s yet another unhappily married 20-something charming me with the tired line “age is just a number.” Far-flung frustrated husbands who are planning a trip to New York City “in the future” attempt to book my oh-so-in-demand time months in advance. Illiterate military men and mono-syllabic muscle heads actually believe we have something in common. Guys with screen names like “slowhand,” “loveto69″ and “meontop” let me know that “I have an admirer” in between winks and hearts and virtual emerald necklaces. It’s more amusing than a sitcom!

But probably the best thing about the site is its never-ending parade of penises! They don’t just pop up, unexpected or unannounced. Oh no! You’ve gotta work for them! Most men on AM don’t even post their pathetic, pixelated likenesses. You’ve got to be given cyber-key access to their private albums. Some guys are so shy that clicking on their key brings up…yes, pathetic pixelated shots, usually taken from 50 paces, rendering them…unrecognizable. Guess that’s for the best if their wives suspect they’re trolling the internet for “discreet affairs!”

The bolder guys show you their faces right up front. Their keys might lead you to the dreaded “check out my ripped abs” self portraits. (Or their not-so-ripped abs! Hah!) But the really “ballsy” dudes have additional “rated” photos that require an extra click beyond their secret key. Guess what’s usually in there? That’s right! Hard cock!

Now you, my dear readers, know that I am far from being a prude! You also know that I personally prefer a little mystery. What the hell are these guys thinking? Do they believe that one glimpse of their magical love wands will so enchant me that I won’t be able to resist a rendezvous with them at the first possible moment? That I’ll be on my knees, salivating at the idea of unzipping their flies, mere seconds after we’ve met?

As one might expect, there aren’t too many embarrassing members on display. If you’re less-than-well-endowed, you probably aren’t eager to advertise the fact. (Unless you’re like my new friend Little Dick!) So yes, all these online erections are certainly impressive. And perhaps there are, indeed, women out there who only want to see what might be the eventual “goods.” Though I would also assume that along with their enthusiasm for these guys’ goods, they’re equally eager to get into their wallets. I’ve already heard tales of women who make no “bones” about their desire to be someone’s sugar baby, expressing interest in the regular ol’ quid pro quo arrangement of “You take care of me and I’ll take care of you!” Yeah, you and your GIANT COCK! Hahahahahah!

To prove my point, right in the middle of my writing this post, I checked my inbox and a somewhat homely gentleman whose advances I had gently turned down made his last “stab” with: “You need to be inspired? hmmm…I have a webcam…I think I can inspire you…I look MUCH better than pics…and I have certain qualities I’m confident you wouldn’t dislike too often…
so..you just never know…”

My response? “If you’re saying you have a huge cock, I’m currently blogging about how pathetic that is. It means nothing.
Seriously. Get a grip.
I am inspired by a lot of things. A hard-on isn’t one of them.”

The sad thing about all this is that I bet if these idiots emailed their wives pictures of their hard cocks, of them fervently masturbating in front of the bathroom mirror, it might actually spice up their supposedly dull married sex lives. But what the hell do I know?

I’ll leave you with this brief, blurry, almost flip-book like series of action shots that one gentlemen was thoughtful enough to share with me. Enjoy!