Oh, for truth in advertising. Or at least online profiles…
One of my major complaints with internet dating is the inability to divine sexual chemistry through the ether. Thankfully, it is something that can often be discerned within the first few minutes I spend with someone. On my one semi-successful date last fall, I had a good feeling about the guy based solely on his photo. But when I sat down across from him at the outdoor table I could tell we would be compatible sexually, if not socially. And sure enough, when we started making out — right at that outdoor table — it was great.
I’ve been waiting for a repeat of that feeling of sexual chemistry. Thus far, no luck. Yes, I’ve met some pretty amazing guys. Just none that I’m interested in ravaging. Yet I press onward. And in my online spelunking, it won’t come as any surprise to you that I am somewhat of a freak magnet on these sites. As in live, offline life, I attract people who fall outside the mainstream, in a number of ways. It seems all the men who are seeking something that might be termed “non-traditional” find me. On OKCupid, our “match” percentages are usually over 90. This puts me in an awkward position, to say the least. In one case, it almost got me kicked off the site. Evidently mentioning, even obliquely, that indulging a man in his particular proclivity might, uh, “cost” him is verbotten.
I almost had a “date” this past Monday to entertain the fantasy of one young man who had seen a few photos on my web site featuring my panty drawer. We had taken our conversation off of OKC so that I could explain that while I completely understood his fetish, I didn’t share it, and that if he would like me to “catch him” rifling through my panties and jerking off, it would need to be a business transaction. When I suggested that this encounter would probably run about an hour, he admitted, “Ha, well, based on how hard just reading these emails has made me, it might be more like 20 minutes of our time.” He didn’t respond to my email confirming our appointment and hasn’t communicated since.
Beyond fetishes in the strict sense of the word, I also appealed to men who express a preference for “women who take charge in the bedroom.” Now, as I’ve previously stated, it’s damn nigh impossible to tell what things would be like in the bedroom from an online profile. Even knowing whether or not you want to kiss someone is really something that requires a face-to-face encounter. So how to make the leap from “Could I tolerate more than 30 minutes with this person?” all the way to precisely what our sex life might be like is beyond unreasonable.
While I have a fairly deep understanding — and empathy for — men with offbeat sexual needs, even entertaining the topic is pointless — for me — until we’ve met in person. Here is my most recent example of how this attitude can crash and burn.
Initially, I saw that this guy had checked out my profile. I liked his photo so I emailed him. He thanked me for “taking charge” and making the first move, or something to that effect. I mistakenly deleted those communiqués, which included only the most obtuse reference to his proclivity, but you’ll get the gist.
Hey beauty.. hope youre well.. ım back next week should you hve use of me for tea or a chat or a walk or omethıng else.. Been thınkıng about you… :}
Hmm, I can think of a few uses I might have for you!
Drop me a note when you’re back in this time zone and I’ll figure something out!
F L A T T E R’ E R . lol
Im sure you already have a stable of boys to enjoy at your whim.. But i AM very curious …
Thank you btw for emailing. I appreciate it. really. [His second "thank you" for my being "take charge."]
Your profile keeps disappearing. Is that your doing or this crazy site?
Anyway, I’m curious as well, to see if there’s any chemistry.
Im Home already…
just got home last night..
I’ll be bartending tomorrow, noon till 8, if you’d like to stop by and say hi.
where do you work?
I’m just filling in (so far) at Double Down, 14 Avenue A.
oh okay. well I certainly appreciate the invitation, and although Im unlikely to make it ( i just got home and have client stuff to do, and havent had a drink in 12 years both) I would love to still meet you outside of work if possible. If I may, can I leave it up to you to take controll and set something up? I would really appreciate it. Honestly [Another oblique reference to me "taking control."]
Sure. The invitation was less to drink, more to say hey in person with less “date” pressure. Would you be interested in taking me to dinner?
absolutely… but would love a chance to talk offline as well and get a sense of you and have you get a sense of me if possible..
I prefer meeting in person, which was why I suggested the work drive-by. Coffee would also be fine. Talking on the phone creates a sense of intimacy which only adds to the pressure when we meet live.
Sorry if that comes off sounding nutty.
Thanks abbey for the emails. I appreciate them. Though its not a match I wish you the very best..
Thanks again [WHAT the motherfuck?]
Can you tell me why it’s not a match?
Im hoping for someone that wants to swap a few emails, talk offline on the phone and get a sense of one another and then go on a date. Hopefully the person I date will have the time and the interest in me to make our date a personal one and not have it be at her job, or not have it be a cold call date.
I realize you have your choice of men wanting to make you happy, and I also realize that as an assertive Woman that calls the shots so to speak you are used to getting your way. You deserve it, Youre awesome.. But I also know what works for me and what I need in order to not feel like a role call boy..
Does that make sense? I want to feel special because I think I am.
Role call boy? I’m afraid I don’t understand.
You certainly deserve to be treated as special. We all do.
My aversion to phone calls is that it builds up more expectations and causes (or can cause) additional disappointment.
If meeting for coffee without talking on the phone first is out of the question, we can do two things: part ways or pick up the phone.
I’m fine with either. But be aware that now YOU are calling the shots, something you had said you preferred women do. Again, I’m fine either way. I don’t need to “get my way,” as you put it. And often don’t. My dabblings in domination have been brief. I prefer a more even dynamic.
Anyway, best of luck to you!
I think I understand you a bit better now Abby. I think youre wonderful. One of the things Im trying to learn is how to let others call the shots so to speak. So.. yes Ill meet you offline without talking on the phone first. Coffee sounds great..
So should I say where and when?
Or let you?
Seriously, where do you work? (Neighborhood, not a name…)
Or…how do you feel about flea markets?
I work on the upper east side.. I build gardens for a living so Im not working much now. So.. you pick a time and place and If it works Ill meet you
Hmmm, I could meet before I work tomorrow, but that would need to be near me. On Thursday, I’m free all day. Would noon work for you? I’ll try and think of a place that’s scenic even in the rain…
Tommrow is Perfect and Thursday would work as well. Btw.. Part of the reason I wanted to talk offline is to find out if were looking for the same type of thing. I know youre more switch so to speak and I understand that you want an equil relationship… but the truth is.. Id like to be with an assertive take charge Woman that can be the leader.. [And if I wasn't already AWARE that he wanted a TAKE CHARGE WOMAN he spells it out for me. Ya don't need to hit ME over the head!]
You know, it’s interesting. I seem to keep attracting men who are looking for something less…conventional. And because online dating allows us to “screen” our “applicants,” these things tend to be mentioned sooner rather than later. I find that (my) life is a palette of gradations, not black and white, and I therefore tend to shy away from absolutes.
That said, I understand your interest in being specific about your desires.
Yet my (fairly extensive) experience in the world of deviant desires, if you’ll pardon the terminology, has taught me that much of it is best when it happens organically. Which leaves us (many) in a catch 22 situation.
Let’s just say we have coffee as friends and see what happens? I think Thursday would be better so we don’t feel rushed.
I think Im going to pass.
Are you kidding me?
No not at all.. youre wonderfull and sexy and smart and seemingly together and warm spirited and a great catch.. BUT.. Im hoping for someone that is interested in a Female Led relationship or at the very least enjoys that dynamic. Its why I put that part in my profile.
Like you Ive led a colorfull life( cancer survivor/ex addict/combat vet) and along the way Ive become a bit tightly wound and pushy so to speak. My experiences have moulded me into someone that is a bit rough and self interested. So.. when Im in a relationship or dating someone thatis able to make her needs known and that will take charge it helps me to be a better humna being and to view the world in a more compassionate way
I hope this makes sense to you.. Im not judging you at all and Im not rejecting you.. But I dont want a traditional relationship..
So you aren’t even willing to meet up and see what OUR dynamic would be?
You are, indeed, pushy.
Who’s to say we wouldn’t have a dynamic in which I take control?
Guess we’ll never know.
Again, best of luck to you.
Thanks. you too Doll
After our chat I edited my ad.. hopefully it better reflects what Im hoping for.. I hope you find what youre after..
Uh, yeah, your editing still doesn’t make it clear what you’re looking for. Why not just ask for a dominatrix? Or at least say “dominant.” Do you want to be tied up? Bossed around? SAY SO. Sheesh.
And for the record, it could be said that I was the “take control” type “in the bedroom” with my (now ex-) husband. As I tried to communicate, this sort of thing is practically impossible to discern without meeting in person. Or even outside the bedroom. Even BEYOND the usual inability to discern chemistry and dynamics that online dating creates.
Gah. This is a total waste of time.Sorry you feel Im wasting your time. im NOT looking for a Dominatrix.
and its not about sex. in fact it has nothing to do with sex at all.
I am well aware that it is not about sex.
Have you googled me?
And we can now stop wasting EACH OTHERS time.no i didnt google you..
and sorry if you feel like im wasting your time.
Truly, I don’t know why I bother. This guy strung me along for WEEKS! What an asshole.
Day 14, January 24
1. 20 minutes of meditating.
2. 30 minutes of working out.
3. Finished last night’s blog post.
4. The TV was droning on in the background again. Maybe I’d listen to more music if I had a stereo instead of the interwebs…
5. I brought up two more boxes but I haven’t opened them yet. They contain all the “work” from all the issues of Porn Free and Extreme Fetish.
6. Socializing: Coffee with Chi, movies with Karen.